The Horrifying Journey to Motherhood

I remember when I was nearly 9 months pregnant with Everett and I was sitting in my car as the high school got out for the day. Hundreds and hundreds of teenagers passed by as I had a completely horrifying realization: each one of these teenagers (of which 97% of them were bigger than I) had at one time emerged from their mom in a terrifying and insane manner.

I wasn't sure I wanted to go through that and felt terrible for all those mothers out there that already had. But it was too late, my fate was sealed. A baby was going to come out of me in one way or another.

With the help of drugs, the assistance of a vacuum and 3 longs hours of intense pushing, I became a mother. And boy, did I feel bad for myself. No one should have to go through that and I would never do that, again.

Here I am a fool cause I actually did do it again, twice, and lived to pass on the horror. Luckily, for my younger two, their deliveries were much easier, but unluckily for me I don't have that to hold over their heads.

So the moral of the story is: think twice before having sex cause you might end up having this horrifying experience...followed by homemade cards with cheesy little kids faces on them, being awaken at 6 am to tell you happy mommy's day and hugs that just won't end.

Happy Mother's Day to all my fellow fools and I hope you are as lucky as I am to have a brood of love and a somewhat fuzzy memory.

10 Reasons I Don't Have Time To Blog

Here are the 10 reasons I don't have time to blog:

1. I have to scoop the poop out of my toddler's panties because she forgot she was in big girl pants.

2. I have to wipe the pee off the bathroom floor from little boys who's timing or aim was bad. Thank goodness I only have two boys.

3. I have to perfect that waterfall French braid I saw on Pinterest in my toddlers hair. Thank goodness I only have one girl.

4. I have to prepare three four colored bento boxes with animal shaped sandwiches for lunch (according to Home and Garden magazine my picky eaters will gobble it up)...followed immediately by having to grill up three hot dogs.

5. I have to stand guard in my driveway so a three year old without a license doesn't flatten the rain gutter downspouts with his electric jeep.

6. I have to attend a tea party in the playhouse under the stairs, where the attending super hero princesses are suddenly attacked by Lego Stormtroopers. It ends with me crawling around looking for a missing light saber that is the size of a bobby pin.

7. I have to write my numbers 1-100, my alphabet (upper and lower case) and read a book about a lion named Sam in order to complete my kindergarten homework.

8. I have to convince a child that can't stop rubbing her eyes she is tired and we will not do anything fun while she naps.

9. I have to attend a play date, where there will be polite kids with beautiful hair and clean clothes eating carrot sticks. Mine will not be those kids.

10. I have to figure out a way to convince my husband I made that four colored bento box with the butterfly sandwich for his dinner.