Friday, March 9, 2018

Humans Would Be Extinct If We Were Smarter

It's been nearly five years since my last blog post (see I told you I didn't have time to blog), and I still don't have time to blog.  The house is a mess, my daughter is being ignored, and I have no make up on.  There is always a million things to do and none of them include taking time to blog.  So, here I sit.  Ignoring motherhood.  Blogging.

And, I'm wondering how humans ever made it this far.  We should have evolved ourselves into extinction thousands of years ago.  Let's follow a human from birth to old age and explore all the times in which we as a species should have thrown up the white flag and said, "You know what? We kind of suck.  Let's come back as turtles."

Birth.  Well, that in and of itself should have been the end of us.  It goes against the laws of physics and requires the mother's body to contort in fashions not suitable for survival and usually leaves her half broken for the rest of her life.  But, let's get back to the kid.  We can't feed, clean, or care for ourselves in any sort of way for quite some time.  Basically, we are useless and our only functional quality is relieving our half broken mothers of their engorged breast discomfort.  Survival of our species at this point seems bleak, but yet we manage purely because those squishy cheeks and delicious toes are too darn cute to give up on.

Toddlers and early childhood.  I don't think I need to explain this one too much.  All parents have really doubted their decision to procreate during this period, and if we would have learned at all from the lessons our elders would have taught us, we would have been extinct before the third generation of humans were ever born.  But, alas, we aren't that smart, which is probably why we are still here and eat ice melt and run with scissors.

Preteen and teenage years.  If a parent hasn't doubted their decision to procreate by now, then they will during this stage.  During these years very few "smart" decisions are made leaving one to believe the human race is definitely doomed.  Humans misuse chemical, experiment with passing personal diseases around, and live on the edge of safety taking up activities like parkour or long boarding.  There is basically a total disregard for tuning into one's survival instincts, and we only place importance on... squirrel!

20's.  Here is where the spawn finally starts to relieve the parents are their responsibilities of ensuring their survival.  The human is finally on their own to continue to make mostly stupid decisions, but this time they do it with arrogance and energy, which is really all they got and could possibly be enough to bring down humankind with the next great invention or necessity... or Tide Pod challenge.

30's.  By this time a human's arrogance has started having a reality check, which is good for our species' survival.  But, we haven't quite lost enough arrogance to realize it is not a good idea to procreate, so we do... once, twice, maybe three or more times.  Each time is one more nail in the coffin of why we as a species should have dwindled a long time ago.

40's.  Well, by now it is all too late.  The human is broken, disgruntled, and being sucked dry by those spawn they felt they needed in their 30's.  I'd like to say in a human's decades to come that ones decisions and actions as a species change greatly and that is why we have managed to survive thus far, but, I really don't see that happening.  The 40's are the beginning of the downward spiral towards the end, so there is no need to explore further decades.  The younger humans start to ignore these elders and any chance for our species extinction is nil.  Humans survive despite the wisdom of the elders.

So, for now, the humans are here, and they will continue to survive... not necessarily in a smart or prosperous manner, but they will survive.  At least, until the AI they designed finally take over and are eliminates them.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

The Horrifying Journey to Motherhood

I remember when I was nearly 9 months pregnant with Everett and I was sitting in my car as the high school got out for the day. Hundreds and hundreds of teenagers passed by as I had a completely horrifying realization: each one of these teenagers (of which 97% of them were bigger than I) had at one time emerged from their mom in a terrifying and insane manner.

I wasn't sure I wanted to go through that and felt terrible for all those mothers out there that already had. But it was too late, my fate was sealed. A baby was going to come out of me in one way or another.

With the help of drugs, the assistance of a vacuum and 3 longs hours of intense pushing, I became a mother. And boy, did I feel bad for myself. No one should have to go through that and I would never do that, again.

Here I am a fool cause I actually did do it again, twice, and lived to pass on the horror. Luckily, for my younger two, their deliveries were much easier, but unluckily for me I don't have that to hold over their heads.

So the moral of the story is: think twice before having sex cause you might end up having this horrifying experience...followed by homemade cards with cheesy little kids faces on them, being awaken at 6 am to tell you happy mommy's day and hugs that just won't end.

Happy Mother's Day to all my fellow fools and I hope you are as lucky as I am to have a brood of love and a somewhat fuzzy memory.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

10 Reasons I Don't Have Time To Blog

Here are the 10 reasons I don't have time to blog:

1. I have to scoop the poop out of my toddler's panties because she forgot she was in big girl pants.

2. I have to wipe the pee off the bathroom floor from little boys who's timing or aim was bad. Thank goodness I only have two boys.

3. I have to perfect that waterfall French braid I saw on Pinterest in my toddlers hair. Thank goodness I only have one girl.

4. I have to prepare three four colored bento boxes with animal shaped sandwiches for lunch (according to Home and Garden magazine my picky eaters will gobble it up)...followed immediately by having to grill up three hot dogs.

5. I have to stand guard in my driveway so a three year old without a license doesn't flatten the rain gutter downspouts with his electric jeep.

6. I have to attend a tea party in the playhouse under the stairs, where the attending super hero princesses are suddenly attacked by Lego Stormtroopers. It ends with me crawling around looking for a missing light saber that is the size of a bobby pin.

7. I have to write my numbers 1-100, my alphabet (upper and lower case) and read a book about a lion named Sam in order to complete my kindergarten homework.

8. I have to convince a child that can't stop rubbing her eyes she is tired and we will not do anything fun while she naps.

9. I have to attend a play date, where there will be polite kids with beautiful hair and clean clothes eating carrot sticks. Mine will not be those kids.

10. I have to figure out a way to convince my husband I made that four colored bento box with the butterfly sandwich for his dinner.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Mom's Crack

So I realize it has been a little while since I noted a margarita moment... It's not that there haven't been any, it's just that the ones I have had left me too tired to recreate them here. That is until today...

Today, my 4 year old was watching Dinosaur Train and asked me if real babies come from eggs like dinosaurs. I told him no they come from mommies' tummies.

Then he wondered how the babies came out. A year ago, when his sister was born, he wondered the same thing. I told him Mom went to the hospital, grunted and the baby came out.

"Oh, like poop," he said.

"Yes," I replied.

He then asked if we could make a fort out of boxes.

So I tried that answer again with what I thought was a pretty life-like grunt. But this time he didn't fleet away like a dog who just spotted a squirrel.

"So is there a hole it comes out of?" he asked.

Uh-oh! "Yes," I answered honestly.

"Where?" he asked.

Squirrel. Squirrel. Squirrel! "Down by your pee pee," I tried to explain. "But only girls' pee pees," I added to try to eliminate him doing a self examination.

"Doesn't that make a big crack?" He continued to process.

Horrified I answered, "Yes."

Then it happened. The Mother of all margarita moments... "Can I see your crack, Mom?"

"No. Is that a squirrel?"


Friday, April 27, 2012

Mom Smells Like A Monkey

Yesterday was my birthday; my 35th birthday, which means I can now round to 40! OMG am I really that old?

My day started out with poopy diapers, whining kids and a sleepless night. I would like to say it got better, but there was just more dirty diapers, fighting kids and mouths to be fed.

What happened in between was nothing notable, so I'll tell you about it. My husband forgot it was my birthday and when I dropped hints at him, he just thought it was an invitation for sex. My oldest sang the only birthday song I heard all day and in it I smelled like a monkey. My middle child complained frequently about being soooo tired even though he got a full night's sleep. And my youngest got a cold and sneezed giant green boogers all over my shirt.

I did receive many Happy Birthday wishes via FB. As nice as they were, they also added to the torture by reminding me that today should be my day off and that I should enjoy at least one margarita, both of which are a fantasy so far removed that I can hardly imagine them.

No presents, no special drawings for me to hang on the wall, no cake... Just another day being Mom. Being Mom, hun? I guess that's a pretty grand birthday present. I do love my kids and my husband beyond the moon and the stars. So even if there was no fanfare or shopping sprees, I couldn't ask for better presents...

At least not this year, but next year my family better not expect the sentimental crap to be sufficient - they already played that card!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

The Margarita at the End of the Tunnel

Sometimes life actually goes your way: you win the Mrs. America Pageant, you don't get ID'ed at the grocery store and the hottie at the gas station pays your tab because he's never seen such a fine specimen.

Well, life has not been so sweet this week... In the last five days I have cleaned up more throw up and diarrhea than I thought was possible from five people. Some of which was my own, but most of which came from people who haven't perfected their aim.

So this morning, I raised the white flag and sought advice from our pediatrician. After evaluating our parched 11 month old he prescribed... wait for it... smoothies!

Now, that was a $70 visit worth it's weight in gold. The only thing that would have been better is if he prescribed margaritas, but I think they would pull his license for that one.

So thank you Dr. Labrum for putting a near-margarita at the end of this tunnel. Off to Jamba Juice we go. Parenting has never been so yummy!

Update: Have smoothies and they are working.

BTW: yes, the throw up did begin while we were on vacation.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Spring Break: Off Like A Herd Of Turtles

Back when I was young, all we had to entertain us during long road trips were billboards and license plates. We sang songs, enjoyed the scenery and bickered until my dad was forced to "pull the car over."

Now there's tvs, portable game systems, iPods and ereaders (just to name a few). All of which need to be charged, updated and new files downloaded before the trip begins. Then you have to make sure you packed the right cables to keep it charged while on the go and can hook it up to the car's entertainment system... So everyone else is the car can enjoy your success on Mario.

Today, my husband and I were so proud when we were all seat belted in and pulling out of the driveway only five minutes after our hoped for departure time. That's when we had a major technology meltdown...we couldn't get the iPod with all of our new movies to play over the truck's tv.

Turn off the truck. Turn off the iPod. Plug the AV cable into the truck. Plug the iPod into the cable. Turn on the iPod. Turn on the truck. Should work. We even googled the instructions. What we didn't google was how to keep your kids from yelling, "Not working!" in the backseat every thirty seconds.

Forty five minutes, three stops and only two miles later, we finally figured out that in order to watch a movie you had to in fact start a movie... I guess we should have googled The Dummies version of the instructions.

I have not desired a margarita this badly in at least two days. Luckily, my husband had a jamocha shake (stop number two) that I gladly shared with him. It kind of helped... Until we hit rush hour traffic and someone had to pee.

Welcome to our Spring Break!

Monday, March 26, 2012

10 Things I Have To Teach My Kids, Again

I knew when I became a mom one of my main responsibilities would be teaching my children. What I didn't know was that I would have to teach many concepts multiple/a million times to the same child. Here is a list of 10 things I have taught more times than I thought I would have to:

1) How to sleep through the night. Just when we get one kid sleeping through the night, one of the others decides it's their turn to wake mom and dad at some ungodly hour. Three months later, that kid all of a sudden starts sleeping through the night, but now his little sister gets hungry at 3 AM. The cycle is infinite.

2) How to ride a bike. Whoever said you never forget how to ride a bike hasn't met my children. I think a chunk of every spring will be spent with me flabbergasted that I have to put training wheels back on the bike that went miles last summer on two wheels.

3) How to go poop and pee in the potty. One day it is all glory the next all gory! Enough said.

4) What the results will be if you hit your brother in the face with a stick.

5) What will happen if you tease your brother... See #4.

6) How to take your clothes off. A two year old can strip off his clothes as fast as lightning if there are guests over, but all of a sudden can't get a single sock off if it is bath time.

7) What the purpose of eating is. Babies instinctually know what to do when they are hungry: scream and then devour whatever they can suck on. But a toddler sees no purpose in eating anything other than a hotdog or mac and cheese.

8) What happens when you piss mom off. The saying is: if mom ain't happy, no one is happy. So why do they keep doing it?

9) You have to go to bed every night. Bed time is 8 PM, so why is there alway shock and disbelief along with whining and bartering at 8:01 PM? Kids must be in bed early enough so mom can fantasize about her margaritas before her bedtime at 10 PM.

10) That zombies are not real.

Friday, March 23, 2012

The Margarita Bank

It seems like every time I feel like having a mommy meltdown a fellow mommy tells me her story and makes me put things in perspective.

My four year old, two year old and eleven month old have a long ways to go until I can use the word civilized to describe them, but every day we get one step closer... At least that's what I tell myself.

Their problems are straight forward: needing milk now, calling people names, using inappropriate words and beating the crud out of each other. Here's some milk and be nice covers a lot of it.

Milk and just being nice won't fly when they are teenagers with more complex problems. They will hate me, be selfish, experiment with who knows what and hang out with some scum. And knowing this I would like to introduce the Margarita Bank.

I am going to make a deposit now for each time I have an unconsumed Margarita Moment. Then I can make withdraws during those dark and dreadful teenage years.

I am hoping the interest rate is really good in this Margarita Bank because I hear those teenage years are sure to suck my account dry.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

California, the Port-A-Potty State

Why are there so many places in California that do not have public restrooms? Instead they have the wonderful port-a-potty.

If this has anything to do with health and sanitation laws, I would like to inform those that make and support those laws that a mother kneeling on the floor of an unkept port-a-potty trying to hold her terrified four year old so he won't fall in is not my idea of high sanitation standards.

These port-a-potties provided many Margarita Moments during our recent trip.

Friday, March 16, 2012

We have perfection!

Wait! I spoke too soon. We just had child #3 barf up lunch - hotdogs! I sure hope tonight's hotel minibar has something we can mix together for a makeshift margarita.

Vacation Barf Update

Our family has a tradition that we dare not mess with: every vacation we go on is not complete without one or more of us barfing and more often than not the barf lands on mom.

We are less than 24 hours in to our vacation to California and we have already successfully kept with our tradition- twice.

The first happened only a half hour from home when Jovie managed to get car sick on the way to he airport. Luckily when we tore into my sister's house with a barf covered baby she came to the rescue and my other sister provided us with a chunk-free car seat.

The second, I must admit is my fault - any respectable parent should have known that if you put a child in the back of a minivan and drive two hours down the PCH there was bound to be barf... Everett was our lucky winner, the Happy Meal box I tried to catch it in was not.

These Margarita Moments were brought to you by Wine Country. Stay tuned because we still have three more days to add to our tradition.